What Does it Mean?

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The SOTY Race of 2014 brought rise to a seemingly endless slew of speculation. After many ups, downs, tasteless campaigning tactics, wildcards, underdogs, and shoe-ins, the prize was ultimately and deservedly given to Wes Kremer. He wallie 180 to fakie 5-0'd clipper. You can't argue with that. Among the leading sources of said speculation leading up to Thrasher's unveiling ceremony was The Birdman's own Ride Channel. I know what you're all thinking. Or at least I think I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Oh god. He's going to shit on Ride Channel for basically serving as skateboarding's special version of Buzzfeed, dispassionately secreting click bait to anyone lacking the self-control/self-respect required to simply say 'no'. Blah blah blah."

Well, you were wrong. I actually have no issues with Ride Channel, or anything they do for skateboarding. I think it's great, and they've got some great people doing some great stuff for them. It's all great.

I do however, have one issue with one statement in one article I read following the SOTY race of 2014. The piece, entitled "10 Skate World Predictions for 2015", ...does just that, making prediction after prediction as to what will happen this year in skateboarding. We all know how lists work. So after falling for the click bait, I got to reading it though, and one statement stopped me dead in my tracks.

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6. Wes Kremer Will Rip All Year, Again

Why We Think So: He's got Jan. 1 on lock, any year.

Excuse me? I'm not sure if you really grasped what is written above, so might I suggest a few re-reads for good measure just to ensure that we're on the same page here. All set?

Ok. Either I've been living under a rock my whole life and missed out on a now out of style catch-phrase, or Mike Munzenrider, much like Gretchen Wieners trying to make 'fetch' happen, is trying to get the ball rolling on this one. The last option, of course, is that I'm an idiot (highly likely), and all he is trying to say is that Wes Kremer will have a continually successful year, starting right on January 1st.

But lets just say I'm not an idiot.

Seriously, what on Earth does that mean? Wes Kremer has January 1st, aka New Year's Day, on lock, ANY year. Is this factual information? Does Wes Kremer have his own holiday that unfortunately also falls on New Year's Day that no one knows about because they're too hungover to notice that he has wasted no time to start absolutely crushing it for the year? And lets not forget: 'any year'. He's BEEN crushing it. No contest. Indisputable. This is common knowledge! Everyone knows it! ...Duhhhh!!!

Supposing this were true, does that mean that we should revoke all previous SOTY's of their title, because in our hungover New Year's Day daze we failed to take notice that Wes, like an absolute savage, had been killing it all along? Think about all of the complete and total carnage we must have missed out on without even realizing it. God dammit! Mike Munzenrider, why did you wait til NOW to bring this up!

Things we likely missed Wes Doing over the past 5-10 Jan. 1's:

1.) All of his enders. He actually waits til Jan. 1 to do his ender. Well, to practice, while no one is around. Then once he really nails it he has someone film it at some point later on in the year.

2.) The birth of his first child. Yup, Wes has a kid. And NONE OF Y'ALL have noticed because shit, the thing was born on, you guessed it: Jan. 1. Does this mean that they both have been killing it, father and son, every year??? This is all getting very hard to stomach.

3.) His induction to the baseball hall of fame. Never tired of ballin so he's on to the next sport. Pretty sure he helped the patriots win the Super Bowl as well? Wes Kremer SOTY, MVP, and Coach of the Year. Give it to the kid.

4.) Wes develops ebola vaccine. Ok. He didn't do this, but I think you get what I'm trying to say at this point.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIY-qD8rUmw&w=560&h=315]

Another thing too, which is perhaps the most disturbing detail of all, is that this Jan. 1 thing is originally referenced/hinted at in the opening paragraph... "we all knew Wes Kremer ripped on Jan. 1, 2014", it reads. I mean, yeah, I'd like to think 'we' could all generally agree that Wes Kremer is an excellent skateboarder, but to put a date on it (judgment day, if you will), straight up gives me the fear. I don't know how else to explain it, so I'll leave it at that. Have I gone insane?

Anyways, I'll leave off with this final plea. Someone, anyone, please try to explain this statement to me. That's really what the point of this article is. How can one man have Jan. 1 on lock, any year? If anything, that's an oddly specific, and terribly unfortunate day to expect someone to be on point, year after year. Did he lose a bet or something? So for Wes's sake (because I hope he hasn't been crushing it all this time right under our noses), and the rest of the skate world's sake, please fill me in. I genuinely would like to know.

PS - The rest of that article was great.

PPS - I'm not mad. Just scared. And confused.

Thank You,

-Evan

Revisiting Rosa: A Tribute to Skateboarding's Long Lost Icon

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I normally try to avoid making sweeping generalizations about skateboarders, ("we're like individuals who all do the same thing, man") but when we're not gabbing about what AVE's upcoming part will be like or quizzing each other on what Gang Starr song Koston skated to in "Falling Down", we're usually telling stories about chicks and sex, some of which are true, most of which are totally embellished and or completely made up. Maybe it's our lack of skill on a skateboard that forces us to overcompensate with our tall tales: "Nah I didn't end up trying that handrail, but I TOTALLY had a foursome last night...nah I mean I watched a threesome on a porn site but like, you know, I was there..."

So much of this ridiculous banter goes on throughout a day of skateboarding, I began to do some soul searching about where my love for skateboarding, and my animalistic curiosity for the opposite sex, first crossed. This search brought me all the way back to nine year old me, a me that had several imaginary friends and wrote the damn book on how to rock a chill bowl cut. Yes before the Hubba girls, the Duffs girls, before Erica Yary or Leanne Tweeden, and long before any hot chick would be caught dead in a Thrasher shirt, there was Rosa. Shorty’s Rosa.

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Skate magazines felt less filtered back then, every page was a titillating surprise, introducing me to subject matter that Mom would normally disapprove of. How was she to know? It’s a skateboard magazine: just skateboarding in there. Boom, waddya know, fuck you Mom, there’s people smoking weed, somebody using words starting with "C" and ending in "T",(that's "CAT" for our younger readers) and sweet chicks like Rosa baring it all. Now I was a relatively mature 9 year old, I had been lucky enough to see Titanic in theaters (boom again, fuck you Mom!) so I had some understanding of what a woman with no clothes on was like, though it took me some time to figure out why Leo Dicaprio was so sweaty and if he was indeed the winner of the wrestling match they had inside that car below deck.

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But something was different about Rosa’s nakedness...it was something much more profound; her nudity was criss-crossing with something that was already very close to my heart. Dude, do I wanna fuck my skateboard? I knew I loved skateboarding and post-Titanic viewing, I knew I loved a nice set of tits...how did they know to combine the two? Here’s an ad with no skateboarding in it, just a beautiful woman covered in hardware, and all I know is that I NEED Shorty’s hardware. It made me feel like a chick like Rosa only fucked with dudes who rocked Shorty's...I never saw hot chicks in Monkey hardware ads.

"What does this all mean?!?" cried my nine year old self, the matter being well beyond the expertise of even the smartest of my imaginary friends.

“Ya, duh bro. Sex sells, bro. The advertising industry uses sex as a means of tapping into the biological and emotional aspects of our sexuality to convince us that buying their product will fulfill any messages they may be trying to convey, bro. Like we’re all just slaves, bro..”

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Yeah cool, you were a freshman in college once (or graduated college and checked out the wiki page on sex/advertising ;) ). It’s a tired cliche, sex is an obviously effective advertising technique. However, Rosa and Kate Winslett were my first introductions to sex and they stirred something in me I had never felt before. They’re less like objectified sex pawns of the film/advertising industries and more like an old neighbor who I caught changing in the window. Nostalgic memories of a very pervy and curious time in my life.

So what's the point you ask? Why have we revisited skateboarding's long lost vixen? You're probably a little bummed you know so much about my sexual development. The point is this: we must celebrate this beautiful icon the same way we would have if she had been a professional skateboarder. Her impact on the psyche on this once 9 year old boy will never cease to be significant, she will always remain my first and only love.

Rosa, if you're reading this, thank you for your time in skateboarding. Had it not been for you or The Muska I don't know who I'd be today. You may have saved me from myself.

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Special thanks to Kate Winslett's titty and Rosa if you do read this, that number still good to call? Any chance for an interview? Get lunch? Pen pals? Anything?

What to Expect from The Plan B Video

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It's crunch time boys. The moment we've all been waiting for. The Plan B video, the answer to all of our problems, will supposedly be released some time next month. A major void is about to be filled. This is sort of like the Catalina Wine Mixer of skateboarding: if it fails, then we get the last laugh - but if it doesn't and is somehow a cohesive, well-assembled video, we've got something for the old DVD (who am I kidding?) library. Everybody wins, unless your name starts with T and ends in orey Pudwill.

Anyhow, this impending release prompted a heated discussion between myself and the rest of SMLtalk crew. We decided to throw together a consolidated list including all you'll need to know or understand in preparation for the release of The Plan B Video.

DL:  Danny Way's part will meet expectations, and be better than Dreamland. Ha.

CK: Darrel Stanton's part...oh wait.

RJ: Ryan Sheckler post Plan B video will still be unable to find chill girl.

EO: PJ will quit 2 weeks before, but still be contractually obligated to have a 49 second part edited to iMovie preloaded rap beat, like DAMN SON YALL JUST GOT ÉSPECIALLED!!!

RJ: Skating Flip boards with Plan B spray painted across them.

DL: The only way the video will be good is if Mike Ternasky comes back to life.

RJ: Prediction - Mike Ternasky never died, Carroll never quit, Girl never happened.

EO: The Plan B video is a collective figment of skateboarding's imagination.

RJ: Torey Pudwill has built a career off not having a part in this video.

DL: Primus will appear in Pat Duffy's part like J Mascis in Mindfield.

RJ: Pat Duffy will skate with Primus in his pockets.

EO: Scott Decenzo will have a part, but Ryan Decenzo will have more guest footage than him.

RJ: Which Decenzo is on Plan B? They're both on Darkstar to me.

DL: You think there's still time for me to get a clip for the friends section?

EO: Yes

RJ: Yeah, I need to get one, if not I can have Tin send over something.