Matt Schlager Vs. 13 Flat 13: A Comprehensive Review of the Riskiest, Most Under-Qualified Amateur Skateboard Stunt Ever Attempted.

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This dude is the best. On a day most refer to as "Throwback Thursday" (ayy #tbt), who better to feature than the most god damn legendary try-hard of the century, Matt Schlager. I bet you almost forgot this dude tried to ollie a 13-flat-13, IN THE RAIN, during high school lunch break. What were you doing in high school? Drinking your first 40 oz? Smoking weed in your parents' mini van you just learned how to drive? First handjob? Well Matt was probably doing all of those things too, in addition to HUCKING HIS SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT BODY DOWN A FUCKING 13-FLAT-13.

What was the motive there? Did he have an end game with this life threatening stunt? Who was he trying to impress? Or was it a completely selfless act aimed at providing his homies the ultimate pleasure of witnessing a near-death experience? So many questions. Why, Matt Schlager? WHY?

Whatever, lets do a play-by-play of this crazy insane thing that happened 7 years ago.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe3go8jT9tI&w=420&h=315]

 

To start, sick fucking titles dude. Not kidding. Look at that shit. Red. Wow. Whatever effect he used, he knew what he was doing. "Matt Schlager VS. 13 flat 13". Epic. Here we go, oh what's that? The muffled sound of someone saying "suspended". Anything could happen, your boy Matt could literally die trying this thing, but nothing could ever match the ultimate consequence of high school suspension. Getter done, Matty-Boy, and get it done quickly, because apparently its cold as shit out there too.

I've watched this video countless times and there's something about the fastening of the bandana that goes down about 20 seconds in that, to me, pretty much defines Matt Schlager as a human being. How fucking rad is that? Pressed for time in the midst of your lunch period, about to take the biggest risk of your adolescent life, yet you absolutely need that bandana tied around your head while you try this shit. He looks ready now...walking away...nope, YOU KNOW HE HAD TO TURN AROUND FOR ONE LAST LOOK, THEN GIVE THAT 13 FLAT 13 A CONFIDENT HEAD NOD. That's a real rockstar move, Matt. I like your style, kid.

Alright enough of that. Lets get to the good shit. The main event. The "Kickstart My Heart" of this epic, sold out, superstar showdown. Matt Schlager Vs. 13 Flat 13, just like the title said. This is what you've paid for, and oh my god you're about to get your money's worth.

"I'm fucking shaking, Matt", says bitch-boy of the year. You know, the dude NOT about to try and ollie something larger than the leap of faith while not being Jamie Thomas. Oh shit everyone shut up, he's really riding up this time.

This is when something more miraculous than the conception and birth of Jesus Christ combined happens. He fucking goes for it, doesn't even ollie, clears only to the top of the second 13, and performs a human firecracker smoothly down the entire remainder of the set. I wanna give the slippery surface provided by the rain all of the credit here, but no. Matt cheated death. He slammed harder than anyone I've ever seen slam. But holy shit, no broken bones, no nothing. Him and Serge Murphy's DNA should be extracted and combined to produce the formula for immortality. Then the shot heard 'round the world goes off. "That was so tight!".

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Are you kidding me, Matt? Oh my god. I can't even believe anything anymore forever. You're the sickest dude who has ever skated. I just blacked out I think. You thought that was tight?! God you're a sick son of a bitch and I love you for that. That was the worst case scenario for this stunt (besides dying or being suspended of course, in that order), you lived... and you thought it was "tight"? God bless your evil soul, Matty Schlags.

"Ben's hella gonna suck your dick" is my favorite quote of the aftermath celebration that breaks out after Matt proves he's still alive for us. Who is Ben? Is that Matt's boyfriend? Or was this whole thing a dare? Did Ben boldly, defiantly, and smugly declare that he'd suck Matt Schlager's schlong if he even hucked himself down the 13 flat 13 one single time?

Well Ben, if that's the case then pucker up, because you're about to suck the shit out of Matt Schlager's dick. What a god damn legend.

-Evan