Ask A SMLTalker: Halloween Costumes

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Marvin asked: "Tis the season to ask a SMLTalker... What's the most socially unacceptable Halloween costume out?" Given this question's almost laughably easy answer I want to make sure that by giving you this answer Martin, you are not, and I repeat NOT, going to use this as your Halloween costume.

Black face is by far the most unacceptable Halloween costume in all of Halloween's history. I shouldn't have to explain why. Just don't fucking do it, ever.

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You hear about those frat kids that had a "MLK Jr. Party", by dressing up in do-rags and fucking basketball jerseys, drinking 40's and listening to rap music? Those kids are morons. And all they got was suspended? That's a real punishment for being (apparently) college educated and pulling shit like that? You know that dude gave his life to try and put an end to racism in America, right? You're telling me pound-me-in-the-ass prison isn't reasonable punishment for that? Whatever, dude. I suppose Chad and Bryan (pictured below) of Alpha Chi Jackoff have the whole pound-me-in-the-ass thing covered, anyway.

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This is of course an example of an unacceptable "Adult-Halloween" costume. Not knowing how old you are Marvin, there is still a chance that you're of the tender age where Halloween is filled with wonder and excitement, goblins and ghouls and princesses running door to door in search of delicious candy. I long for those days, Marvin. You wouldn't believe how old it gets to see "Ms. Freshmen Fifteen" dressed as Officer DaddyIssues, pathetically vomiting outside the bar while her two friends, Nurse Butterface and I-Didn't-Wear-A-Costume-I'm-Just-Desperate-For-Any-Man's-Penis, hold her hair back and cry.*

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For those still trick-or-treating—what Halloween is actually meant for—I would assume a socially unacceptable costume would be one that goes outside of American gender normalcy. For example, a young boy who opts out of being a Power Ranger and instead goes trick-or-treating as a glittery princess. Or a young girl, who instead of being her favorite Disney royalty, went as a butch football player. I imagine these would create shock-waves in quaint suburban communities, whose Halloween's are rarely disturbed by those trying to disrupt the social norms of such a sacred holiday. Fuck those people, Marvin. You wanna play princess? Then own it, Marvin.

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Whatever you choose to do (with the exception of black face, of course) remember that both Adult-Halloween and Regular-Halloween have clear cut goals:

Adult-Halloween - Getting as drunk as humanly possible (pissing yourself, a plus).

Regular-Halloween - Eating so much candy you actually mimic the high of an adderall binge.

Good luck, Marvin.

-Rojo

*This is not to say that this behavior is only a trait of women. Halloween is also the world's largest pissing contest for Chad's all around the country to impress their fellow bro's. Often 4loko's and Bud Light's are consumed at such rapid rates that the inevitable "DUDE, like, I love you and...and like I just want you to know that you can tell me ANYTHING BRO...And I just think we should get out of these clothes..." occurs earlier in the night, sometimes before they leave the frat. And while I do not condone the behavior of these shitty dudes/women, getting drunk is the main goal of Adult-Halloween. Which leads me to conclude that drunk or sober, Chad and Officer DaddyIssues fucking suck...always.

Ask a SmlTalker: Freudian Perversion Reimagined

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At 11:21 PM, on the night of August 12, 2014, a message popped into the inbox of the official Small Talk G-Mail account. The words contained within the body of the message represent what we believe to be the most horrifying, impossible-to-conceive, evil, sinister question ever posed to man. A situation that could never exist, even in the most perverse fantasies contained in the minds of Freudian deviants. Like, imagine a wet dream, but a wet nightmare where your dick falls off and kills you and sends you to jail and makes sure everyone knows what you did. Everyone. Here's what we're looking at:

"If your significant other and your mother switched bodies and the only way to get them back to normal was to have sex with one of them who would you pick? Please cite your sources and use appropriate footnotes where necessary."

Oh man. I really don't know what's going on here. I don't know what to believe in anymore. How did things take such a swift turn for the worse on a blog primarily focused on skateboarding at the turn of the millenium?

Well, we here at Small Talk are men of our words, and we said we would answer your questions. Now keep in mind that this is a 100% hypothetical situation, much like how lets suppose a 100% hypothetical person named Tin Tran asked this question in the first place. Anyways, without further ado, lets take a one-way trip into the dark, twisted, "maybe I just fucked my mom" Twilight Zone.

Lets just be clear here: In no way possible is it cool to have sexual intercourse with your mother. I figured that was a given, but oh man I just thought I'd put that out there. In the same vein, is banging your girlfriend's body with your mother's soul truly the better of two evils?

Also, what the fuck happened to consent? Don't you think that in this scenario the mother-in-girlfriend's body character would not be down to "get them back to normal" given the circumstances? There are many questions at play here. If you really think about it, wouldn't your girlfriend, you know, the one who you are presumably having sex with on a regular basis, be the one who would be willing to take one for the team (in this case, the "please let me die" team).

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Idunno man, I also wonder if suicide is an option. In a world where you either have to fuck your mom with your girlfriend's personality, or fuck your girlfriend's body against your mom's will just to get things back to "normal", WHICH THEY WOULDN'T BE AFTER ALL OF THIS SHIT IS SAID AND DONE, wouldn't it just make more sense just to kill yourself?

Or like, how much do you love your girlfriend and/or mom? You could totally just bail. No one would blame you for it.

"Nah man, kinda fucked up how you left your mom and girlfriend to live forever, trapped in each other's bodies, just cuz you wouldn't stick it in one of them to put an end to it all". Oh yeah? You fuck your girlfriend-mom and live a normal life after that. DO IT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

In closing, there's no good answer to this question, so offing yourself or fleeing the scene of the crime are your best options.

When asked for commentary on the topic, Rojo said it best:

"Fucking moms body should be like a death metal concept album"

Plug-er in and let-er rip. Kill yo self, fool.

-Evan

Ask A Smltalker

 

During our short lifespan here at smltalk.com one thing has remained true: we have survived and thrived, because of you. Your ability to dodge your boss at work, tune out your annoying girlfriend, and ignore e-mailing your mother back, has provided us with the fuel we need to keep this fire going. Without you, we'd be lost entirely. To show just how much we value you, we offer you the chance to be a part of this website. I give you: Ask A Smltalker. Think of it as an advice column of sorts. Submit any question you can think of: whether it's about life, love, skateboarding, or even what our favorite porn site is and we'll answer it. Address all of us or choose your favorite Smltalker (Rojo) and submit your questions to smltalkblog@gmail.com. We will answer our favorite question every Friday and the winner will have his or her name featured on our website (what, did you think there was gonna be an actual prize?) As stated above no question is taboo, so don't feel sheepish. Thank you again for your continued support of our silly little website.

-Rojo and the Smltalk family

smltalkblog@gmail.com